I can't get a fresh install of Windows 7 Home Premium SP1 to install anything related to updates

I just installed a fresh copy of Windows 7 Home Premium SP1 on my laptop, and Windows Update isn't working at all. It gets stuck on "checking for updates" no matter how long I leave it (hours). I've never had this problem on any other laptops, in the tens of times I've installed Windows 7 Home Premium. I even tried multiple discs using a Windows ISO directly from Microsoft (hash checked). I've searched on Google and found lots of answers (even on Superuser/StackOverflow) but nothing works.

I've tried everything obvious like restarting the Windows Update service, restarting the laptop, stopping Windows Update and deleting the cache folder.

Then I've read that Microsoft released a fix for the Windows Update Agent here.

However, the first thing the installer does is "search for updates" which is the thing that isn't working! I'm posting this from the laptop, so inteet access isn't an issue.

I'm out of ideas.

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